


Essence of Loneliness

by EleanoraWrites



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Eventual Keith/Lance (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lonely Lance (Voltron), M/M, Oblivious Keith (Voltron), Socially Awkward Keith (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 17:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21165104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EleanoraWrites/pseuds/EleanoraWrites
Summary: This one-shot was written a few months ago during a difficult moment in my life. Basically this story explores my own emotions whenever I descend into the pits of self-doubt and worthlessness and start feeling completely alone.It's a battle I'm still going through on a regular basis to this day. This one-shot is still relevant today has it was a few months back.And I've been postponing publishing this for a while now. It's difficult to share something that exposes a part of your soul.But I've decided that the time is right.I apologise for the angst and for the messy spiral of depression you're all about to experience.





	Essence of Loneliness

The feeling of being completely worthless is something Lance is already used to. Behind that facade of buoyant loverboy lies the cracks of a boy who always felt like no-one cared about him. He'd pretend it didn't hurt that he wasn't fazed about it but, underneath all those layers of pretence, it hurt like hell.

He thought that in space it would be different but apparently he was wrong.

He'd see more than once people demonstrate more care for the rest of the team than to him. Whenever he even mentioned about missing home or feeling slightly down, he would be brushed off with a quick _ you're being a wuss _ by Pidge or a quiet _ yeah, we know _ from Shiro. No-one seemed to even acknowledge how heartbroken, how homesick and how alone he felt.

More than once he caught glimpses of Shiro patting Allura's shoulder whenever she had a flitting moment of weakness. Occasionally it was Hunk preparing whatever meal he could muster out of the alien goo to lift Pidge's spirits up. Even Keith had Shiro to back him up when he seemed insecure. 

Everyone had someone.

Everyone but him, apparently. 

No-one came out of their way to simply ask him how he was doing. One time he spent two days without leaving the room and the only comment he got when he returned was _ didn't even notice you were gone. _

That had hurt more than anything else.

It was already bad enough for him to feel like the dispensable one, the seventh wheel, the less important Paladin. But to have people so bluntly show it, was a totally different thing. It brought back all the worthlessness and uselessness he used to feel as a kid before he got into the Garrison. Only then did he feel like he had accomplished something to be worthy...

But no, even in a crowded room he would feel utterly alone.

He's sitting down on one of Blue's massive robotic paws, head hanging low, shoulders hunched forward and tears on the brink of falling down. Blue purrs worryingly at his ear, apparently the only sentient who seems to recognise his distress.

"I know girl," he says calmly, patting her gently and taking a deep, shaky breath. "But I can't help feeling like I don't matter. Whenever Pidge wakes up all moody and whining about missing her family, they all coo and hug her and support her. But when it comes to me, I'm neglected and I'm told to _ man up, Lance _. I-"

He swallows, the overwhelming heaviness in his chest too much for him to bear. He pushes his knees up and embraces them, feeling his Lion's soft rumble reverberate through him, a solid consolation though not enough to appease his wretched emotions.

"Not even Hunk seem to care, distracted as he is with all this new alien tech and with helping Coran with the Castle," he pours out, clenching his fists.

He feels Blue nudging him like a little kitten and gives her a tight, pained and sad smile.

"I know I have you," he continues, patting her again with trembling fingers. "And your concern for me is important and the only thing helping me go through this. But…"

He sighs tiredly, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. He wipes it quickly, sniffling as he does and tries to refill his chest.

"All I wish is a sign that they cared! That they notice, and that they _ see _ me!" and as the words come out, so do the tears. And the lump forming in his throat doesn't help for it makes it hard to breathe.

He silently cries and weeps as Blue's presence remains there with him, a soft and gentle thrum vibrating within him. She couldn't do much more than try to soothe him, sending all the positive energy his way.

But Lance was too far gone in his own hurt to see beyond his own pain. Not even memories of their flights, memories of their successful missions, the first time he saw her, all majestic and enigmatic could penetrate the dense wretchedness that shook Lance to his core.

He feels…

Sad!

Alone!

The sentiment of utter loneliness, the empty feeling of giving too much and not getting anything in return consumes him entirely. It eclipses his resolve and darkens his spirit of mind. He can taste it in his tears, in the way his nails dig into his palms as he clenches his fists; it's an avalanche of sensations that is overwhelming him.

He hates it!

He hears commotion in the distance and rapidly, almost clumsily wipes the trail of tears from his cheeks. He takes another shaky breath that tastes of bitterness and rubs his face to clear away the remains of his feelings.

The hangar door opens and Allura, Pidge, Keith and Shiro step inside, chatting among themselves until they spot him.

For some unknown reason Lance's heart gives a painful thud in his chest.

"Oh, hey Lance. Didn't know you were here," Pidge says adjusting her glasses.

Lance's cold thoughts shoot at her words; _ No, you wouldn't, would you? _but he shakes his head and plasters the most cheerful smile he can muster. 

"Yeah, I'm just having a moment with my girl here," he says but his voice cracks a little at the end. He disguises it with a cough. He catches Keith looking at him with a raised eyebrow. "We've been bonding."

"That is wonderful," Allura retorts with her wide smile as she looks up at the Blue Lion. "Bonding is an important part of your training as Paladins. The deeper the bond, the stronger the Paladin."

"Yah," Lance replies rubbing the back of his neck as he stares at his Lion, her naughtiness something to be admired.

"So, what did you want to show us Pidge?" Allura asks as the moment faded and she turns to the Green Paladin, her tiny yet quick fingers typing away on her small tablet.

"It's in my lab; well, my temporary lab," Pidge replies and the group starts following her, not a single glance stolen in Lance's direction.

Lance expels the air from his lungs and feels the sting in his eyes threatening to spill again. He puts his hands on his pockets, kicks the floor and glances at the group that approach a small door on the opposite side of the hangar.

Keith pauses briefly before disappearing through the door where the rest of the group's voices echoes. He looks over his shoulders, eyes meeting Lance's and then casts his eyes down, spinning on his heel to follow the team.

The door closes behind Keith with its typical metallic swoosh and Lance looks up at Blue.

"See girl?" she replies with a low and sad purr. 

He treads his way through the empty corridors of the Castle, the dimness a comfort for it reflected his own mood and into his room, where at least he felt blessedly hidden from the universe.

And where he could freely cry in solitude, as his soul cried with him.

* * *

There's a knock on the door. Lance peeks from behind his hands at the metallic door and waits five seconds without breathing. Then there's a new knock, louder this time and its echo reverberates through the air, rude and gritting.

"Lance?"

_ What does _ he _ want? _

Lance expels the heavy breath from his lungs and hangs his head, drops his shoulders and waits until Keith is gone.

"Come on, I know you're in there. Open up." Keith insists and all Lance can do is fill his lungs back with a shaky breath. "I'm not going anywhere so you better let me in."

"What do you want?" Lance asks, voice coming out a bit harsher than he intended, raw from his crying.

"I wanna talk to you."

"I don't want to talk," Lance retorts crossing his arms. For some reason he feels Blue's discontent rumbling within him. He mentally swats at her, shushing her.

"What's going on Lance?" Keith's voice is lower than his previous insistence, almost soothing. It reaches Lance in a palpable wave of yearning that almost, _ almost _, breaks him down but he holds strong. 

"Nothing, I'm… I'm just tired," Lance replies, that stupid lump forming once again in his throat. 

He knows Keith's never been one to actually care about him. Why would him anyway? They are rivals, constantly bickering because their personalities barely match. And to Keith Lance was nothing more than a nuisance, just a pathetic cargo pilot. He kept reminding him of that.

"Don't lie to me, I know you're not just tired," there's a tired sigh, probably a roll of eyes and Lance pulls his knees back to his chest and hugs them, tears threatening to fall.

He swallows them, blinks them away and focuses on his teeth biting his lip instead.

"Just go away Keith," Lance says hiding his face on his knees.

"I'm not leaving!" Keith says firmly and Lance hears shuffling and a thud against his door. "I'm going to stay here until you're ready to talk."

And the clench in Lance's heart hurts. It opens the flow of tears and he bumps his forehead against his knees to stop the sob from forming but all in vain. 

With Blue's lingering presence and Keith's insistence right outside his door, he's a wrecked mess of painful emotions that slowly devour his composure and all that's left is a feeling of doubt, of uncertainty and of insecurity.

* * *

Lance touches the panel and the door slides open. He doesn't dare look outside, doesn't want to see the disappointment of an empty hallway.

But the weight that almost stumbles in and the huff that fills the emptiness of the corridor shocks him. 

"Jesus," Keith complains as he rolls to his knees and then stands up. "You could've warned you were going to open the door."

"I didn't know you were still here," Lance replies, voice choked and a strange drumming on his chest shaking him entirely.

"I said I wasn't leaving," Keith says shrugging one shoulder as if his words were that obvious.

Lance purses his lips and stares down at Keith's feet, not sure of what to say to that. He didn't even understand what he was feeling; angry at Keith for staying there when Lance told him to leave; glad he stayed because that meant…

What did that mean exactly?

"Lance, talk to me," Keith breaks the silence that had lingered between them for too long. It's not a demand, not an order. It's a request, a wish that has Lance wondering if Keith was truly worried or if this was just a facade.

"Why?" Lance finds himself asking in a croak, the simple word costing him almost all the strength he has. 

"Because I know you're not okay," Keith replies taking one step forward. Lance lifts his eyes enough to see Keith's eyebrows knit together, three lines wrinkling the skin there. It makes his indigo eyes look darker, deeper and harder. "What's going on? Why were you crying?"

"I wasn't crying," Lance remarks wiping his cheeks and feeling the puffs under his eyes swollen. He sniffles, which gives him away and Keith chuckles lightly. 

"You missed a spot," there is a hand in Lance's vision and fingers touching a wet trail he missed and all he can do us hold his breath. "I noticed your tears in the hangar and I heard you crying."

"Fine, I _ was _ crying. Happy?" Lance gives in throwing his hands up in the air and spinning on his heels, Keith's hand falling from his cheek. He regrets it immediately for Keith's touch had sent a thrilling electricity through his body. "Go ahead, make fun of me all you want for cryi-"

"Why would I make fun of you?" Keith cuts him and Lance's voice falters, stubborn tears wanting out again. "What's wrong Lance? Why were you crying?"

"Because…" Lance clenches his hand, feels the nails dig deep into his palms and closes his eyes, trying to breathe.

But it's hard; there's a pressure there that crushes his chest, a heaviness that hurts and he can't speak, can't let the words for he knows he'll sob. 

So he hangs his head instead and allows the tears to roll. Right now it doesn't matter if Keith makes fun of him, doesn't matter what he'll think of him. Lance just wants it out.

He cries. 

First silently, fat tears streaming down his face.

Then, as a soft hand gently touches his shoulder, the sobs he tried to suppress finally come out. 

But as he feels Keith turn him towards him, as he feels his arms wrap around him, he lets it all out. Unashamedly.

"I feel like no-one cares about me. I know I'm just the goofball, the dispensable one, the idiot Lance," he starts, hiccups almost making his voice nothing more than a mess of mumbles. "I'm not important to the team, just the seventh wheel. And I miss home so much, I miss my family."

Lance barely registers what he's doing; he holds onto Keith as if his life depends on it. He grabs the collar of Keith's jacket tightly in his fist, sinks his head in his chest and soaks his shirt with his salty tears. 

All the while Keith embraces him, holds him up and just... _ listens._

* * *

By the time Lance's hiccups stop and his crying subside, their sitting down on his bed, Keith cradling him and moving his hand up and down his arm in a soothing motion. 

The heaviness in Lance's chest lessened, the thrumming returning to its constant beat. His head feels foggy, a headache throbbing lightly behind his eyes.

He knows he should move, should put as much distance between them as possible but Keith's heartbeat under his ear is steady and Lance tries to match their breathing.

"You know," Keith starts, his voice slightly hoarse and Lance shivers as it reverberates through Keith and seeps into his own body. "We _ do _ care for you."

"Right," Lance snorts with a sniffle and shuffling uncomfortably at his Keith's words.

"It's true," Keith insists and there's something in his voice that makes Lance halt, that makes him listen. "Actually, we rely on you. We know you always have our backs when we need, that you'll jump into action to protect us, to save us. You've done it before and I know you'll do it again."

"So you only care about me as your personal bodyguard?" Lance says bitterly.

Keith sighs tiredly. "No Lance! Voltron wouldn't be complete without you. And I'm not talking about you being the leg of Voltron; I'm talking about you being the light that shines at the end of the tunnel. We need you not only as a Paladin but also as our beacon when all seems lost. You shine much more than any of us do."

"That's Allura, not me," Lance comments though Keith's words have woken something within him, something he doesn't yet understand but slowly washes over him.

"Man, you are stubborn," Keith chuckles lightly, such a strange sound to Lance for he doesn't remember ever hearing Keith chuckle.

"But about me? What about when I need _ you _ ?" Lance asks in a long exhale. "What about all the times _ I _ needed a beacon and no-one shone it my way?"

"You always seem so sure, so secure, so… resilient," Lance listens carefully as Keith's voice drops and becomes almost dreamy, hypnotic. "I envied you when we first found Blue. You were so confident when you were piloting her, like it was your righteous legacy to find her, to be the first. And when we found Allura and were basically thrown into this galactic war, you didn't even blink, didn't even thought about your safety. You took it upon yourself to become a defender of the universe. I spent so many sleepless hours trying to adjust to the fact that aliens are real and you make it seem so easy to accept."

Keith pauses and Lance is scared to break the spell that has befallen them. He had never seen Keith in this light, never believed it possible to feel something else entirely different for Keith than rivalry. 

But now, cupped into Keith's arms, feeling his breath caress the crown of his head, feeling the pound of his heart on his cheeks, Lance wasn't so sure of what Keith he actually felt for Keith.

"You are always so… _ you… _ we think you might not possibly need us."

"But I do!" Lance whispers as his heart flips in his chest.

"That's why I'm here Lance," Keith says taking Lance by surprise by kissing his temple gently. His voice sounds strained by something Lance can't acknowledge right now, too blind by the overflowing emotions coursing through. "I'm here for you and will always be here for as long as you need."

"Why?" Lance finds himself asking, lifting his head so he can look at Keith. His eyes are rimmed red, tears dangerously near the edge but Keith's holding them. It spreads a warmth through him like a cosy blanket, the fact that Keith was letting him cry instead of pouring out his own emotions.

"When we found you on the hangar I didn't like the sadness in your face," Keith brushes a lock of hair from Lance's forehead, fingers feather light and raising goosebumps through his flesh. Keith's hand travels to his cheek where but rests, cupping Lance's cheek gently as he stares deeply at him, night eyes unnerving. "And because I care about you. I see you Lance; I see your sadness, your loneliness, your pain. You think I don't notice how puff your eyes are every morning? I know what you feel, trust me, I do."

Lance leans into Keith's touch, to the soft pad of his thumb that draws soothing circles on his skin. His loneliness slowly seems to fill with something he can't decipher, an emotion too strange and unfamiliar to him that twists his gut pleasantly. He closes his eyes, let's that feeling linger and allows himself to start believing. 

"Lance?" Keith calls quietly. "I genuinely care for you. Don't ever think otherwise."

Lance opens his eyes and believes him.

Believes every word and he basks in them, letting them override his emotions and penetrate the darkness within. 

It mingles with the light purr from Blue, always present in the back of his mind. Together they melt the ice that weights inside his chest, lift the burden from his shoulders and help him carry it, wipe the tears of sadness and replace it with a smile, a small one but a smile that makes Lance's heart swell.

He finally feels... cared for!

"Did we just," he begins amusedly, using the back of his hand to wipe away the tears "had a bonding moment?"

Keith rolls his eyes and inhales deeply but his lips are curled into a smile that dimples his cheek. "Will you remember this one or will you forget it like last time?"

Lance pretends to contemplate the question, finding it easier to breathe now that he poured out his darkness to Keith. "I will remember this one, I promise you."

And there, in the way Keith looks back at him, Lance realises that Keith is _ his _ beacon for when he's lost.

A beacon made out of eyes like the night and an embrace as warmth as the sun. And his darkness turns to light, his sadness turns into hope and Keith is in the centre of it all.

His mind begins to slowly decode that unfamiliar something and instead of bringing him down; it lifts him up.


End file.
